...To Make a Long Story Short...

In light of the recent release of the Oscar nominations I thought I would take a moment to put together my own top 10 list of 2008 movies. The category?

Top 10 Movies of 2008 that shouldn't win Best Picture in any Awards Ceremony, Ever.

10. The Happening - Not that this is even a remote possibility. Unless it's a set up to get M. Night in position for clean sniper shot.  In that case I'm all for it.

9. Australia - What the fuck is this movie even about? I saw the trailer a dozen times and I still have no idea. And to be honest I don't care at this point. 

8. Any movie with the words High, School, or Musical in the title - I don't care how much money it makes.

7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - This movie still makes my soul cry a little.  

6. Burn After Reading - All the great actors and witty dialogue couldn't save this absolutely pointless movie.

5. W. - I did not have a chance to go see this movie, however if you lost to Max Payne and Beverly Hills Chihuahua on your opening weekend as bad as this movie did, then you are clearly not the Best Picture of the Year caliber.

4. WALL-E - Cute, loveable and fun; but it's message was delivered with the subtlety of blind man in a hand grenade fight with a T-Rex...(Copyright Sven Swenson 2009 you idea stealing fuckers) 

3. The Dark Knight - Great movie. You know why this movie was better than Batman Begins (or any of the others)?  Because it sticks much closer to the source material. Strange how that works. Christopher Nolan only did what the fans have been screaming years for people to do. I'm not going to give a guy an award because he finally listened to people telling him to stop banging his head into a wall. 

2. Slumdog Millionaire - Sorry, no.  I'm not going to pretend like I'm somehow worldlier and now feel connected to the impoverished people of India because I saw a movie about it. The movie is good, might be great, but its way over hyped.

And the number one movie that shouldn't win Best Picture:

1. Any movie released in late December. - Fuck you for waiting until the last god dammed minute to release your little movie just so it will be fresh in the minds of Academy members.  Here's a hint; if they don't remember your movie 6 months from now, it doesn't deserve an award. It could be the most moving, heart breaking, touching, brilliant movie ever (and they usually are) but now, I officially hate you. Pushing out 30 movies over the course of 2 weeks insures that I will reject seeing any of them.  Where we're you in late January or mid September when there wasn't shit playing in the theaters? Oh right you were too busy gaming the system.  

I would like to add a special bite me to all the members of the Academy for letting people game their awards ceremonies or allow people to vote based on anything other than the merits of the movie.